Remiel

Fake Twitter Bios Part 5: Final Reckoning: The Quickening Showdown Kombat

(Go read Part 4: Penultimatum)

The Take My Wife Please:
“Working hardly. Not necessarily in that order.”

The My Life as an Archetypal Narrative:
“Tales from the life of a Vancouver twentysomething librarian bicyclist.”
“Just another southern belle, valley girl next door, dreaming of big city life in a small town.”
“An average Joe who likes a hot cup of above average joe.”
“A chubby girl thinking skinny thoughts in a world that screams carrots… but whispers ‘carrot cake’.”

The @fireland:
“I used to follow @Remiel, but I stopped because the thought of a sad little clown weeping in public makes me hard.”

The Personal Ad:
“Just a single mom in a small Kentucky town, sending my own humble little musings out into the digital world, hoping they find purchase in a friendly ear…”

The I-See-What-You-Did-There:
“A mystery wrapped in an enigma, dipped in chocolate and deep fried. Serves four.”

The Lazy Wit:
“I like cheese LOL.”

The Not Even Trying:
“video games, popcorn, asthma”

The Unexpected Imperative:
“Say no to racism!”
“Live out loud, and dream like no one’s peeing on you.”
“Believe nothing I say. NOT EVEN THIS!”
“Give it your all, or give it all to me.”

The Normal Person Who Probably Gets Laid More Than I Do:
“Wichita gal into movies and poetry and anything fun. Coffee snob / future wife of Hugh Laurie (LOL). Drop me a line!”

The Fourth Grader’s About the Author Page All Growed Up:
“I like origami. I like to think about things and ways. I have my drivers license. I like Bobby. I like my car. I like Guy. I have a Nintendo Wii.”

The Massively Heavy Existential Burden of Being Me:
“My life is a train wreck that never quite happens. I’m a magnet for disaster and glory in equal measure. Love me or hate me, you’ll never be bored when I’m around.”

WEBCOCK BONUS ROUND!

The WTF? Oh, You’re a Spambot Webcock:
“How are you i mostly like fun reading a good book oh and I forget to mention playing on my cam i just updated”

The Vlogger Webcock:
“And you thought my vlog was a giant waste of your time…”

The Domain Name Webcock:
“www.IDidntUnderstandWhatTheWebFieldWasFor.info”

The Syndicate-O-Matic RSS Vomit Bot Webcock 4000:
“Check out our crazy weekly podcast about anything and everything! Nothing is sacred and nothing is scripted at www.WooYeahBrahFunnyFistBumpWooAgain.net”

The Cam Whore Webcock:
“I might be following 9,216 people and posting utterly nonsensical bullshit, but I’m a real live girl with four limbs and a functioning cardiovascular system. Not only that, I’m totally naked and totally moist right NOW, and just for YOU!. You can see a lot more of me on my website. It’s totally hot, and totally PHREE!**.”

The Self Righteous Ass:
“http://Remiel.info”