Remiel

How COULD you?! (in 500 words or less, please)

by mooeytie (Ask me anything on formspring.me)

What am I, a retroactive inspiration machine? Not only does your question lack any useful context, it also puts the onus on me to make anything worth reading out of it. Then you have the gall to lay down a word count stricture whose articulation not only strains the boundaries of grammatical good taste, but takes more words to express than the initial question itself, compounding the insult.

With all the strife, struggle and conflict rampant in the world, the thousands upon thousands of unresolved moral, scientific, spiritual and Pokemon-related questions still outstanding within the broad, vibrant scope of human existence, your utter failure to pluck one gem from the richly veined mine of our collective unconscious – one glistening fruit from the verdant, glistening leaves of the Tree of Life – belies not merely your apathetic surrender to the web’s inevitable, entropic descent into literary hell, on par with vitamin supplement package copy and snots anonymously wiped above men’s room urinals, but also your belligerent, misanthropic need to transfer your psychological burden of unfathomably sad reliance on strangers to imbue your daily life with tiny ejaculatory bursts of false meaning onto me, in the hopes that I might find fodder with which to temporarily slow your otherwise careening trajectory into an alarmingly looming middle age and ignominious decline into an obscurity made only slightly less bleak by fond remembrances of childhood – buttressed though they may be by the fog of time and the hopeless optimism of wishful thinking and self deception.

That’s only 250 words. Happy?